ai wa nani?

I’ve thought about this before. Even discussed it with Sis. It is Chloe’s recent post that makes me want to discuss this openly here.

CJ said I’ve changed. Hmmmm, as much as I want to deny it, I guess it is partly true. I feel I’m more 優しい。Hey, but if you piss me off, I will still bite. It’s not like I’ve become a totally different person. Of course, to deary I’m like totally totally 優しい。How should I explain it? I guess I’ve carefully built a wall all these years to protect myself. I don’t want to show anyone my fears coz I feel the need to be tough. I always had the thought that I needed to be tough coz I’m small sized and can be easily bullied. No way am I going to let myself be bullied just like that. Then, along came deary…and suddenly I wonder to myself, “gawd, am I becoming soft?” But, is it wrong to be soft?

Deary makes me want to share how I feel, my joys, sadness, fears etc. Even if it’s a very minute thing that happened today that made me feel happy, I want to tell deary. This was one of the things I replied to Chloe’s post when she wondered what love is. There’s also something else which has crossed my mind before. Sis and I always say that we are not born with good looks. Then, we discovered the wonders of make-up. Yes, I agree that make-up can make you look a lot better. At least, I think there’s colour to my face when I have foundation and powder on it. I haven’t really put on make-up since I came to USA. Well, it’s just going to school, why the hell do I need to doll myself up? Thing is, deary is looking at this un-made-up face of mine and still loves me. Well, he still talks about bikini babes and what-not, but I’m sure he’s not going to drop me and go after them. Hmmm…I will kok his head if he does. He wanna talk about some bikini babe, I can always talk about Massu lorz. Hehehe… Point is, love is looking beyond what’s on the surface. I can look like I just rolled out of bed and he’ll still love me for who I am. Ok, I bet he’ll laugh at me first, then say that he loves me. :laugh:

Love is when you’re angry, but you still worry that the person you love is upset. I don’t want to explain this one, but I’m sure deary knows what I’m talking about. Love is when you want the best for the person you love. Hell yea, I can’t count the number of times I worry that I’m affecting deary’s studies even though he says I’m not. You know, it’s just different. I can afford to be cui…well, not really and not that I want to, but deary is on scholarship and it will affect his career later on if he messes up his studies.

I guess love means different things to different people, so I can’t exactly teach Chloe what is love. I guess it’s one of those things where you’ll know when you get there.

Hmmm…but I think love does make you change. Suddenly I’m thinking about the future. A future where there’s not only me. It was a matter of time that deary would have to know about my JE fangirling. Not that I’m embarassed about it, whoa…I’m like a JE fangirl and damn proud of it. Just that I’ve been thinking about it. All that spending of money, if there’s only me to consider then of course, I don’t really have to think about it. But, I’m no longer alone. I’m considering us; I’m considering about my future husband. When I talk about future husband, I’m speaking in general. I can’t tell what will happen in the future, so I’m not making any promises of forever. Don’t get me wrong though, of course I do hope (and will work at it) for our relationship to carry on and get stronger.

Anyway, I suddenly wondered the meaning of buying all those stuff. Am I going to be doing this even when I’m 30? 40? 50? Is it just something I’ll outgrow after some time? I guess I’ll need to cut down on the JE fangirling. Don’t think deary or future husband will be too happy about me gushing 24/7 over same random guys. Hmmm, but I don’t care ar…Massu is still going to be on my room wall. I am Mrs Masuda afterall. :yay:

3 thoughts on “ai wa nani?

  1. hi boss,

    welcome to the world of being in love. he seems likea real catch and can see that you are smitten. love does make one change – how they feel, how they act. walls are always built – i know i built mine too post break up but they came crashing down when a boy with his scrambler and killer dance moves came into my life. it shouldn’t matter when he talks abt such & such babe – at the end of the day e person he’s in love with and hugging is you – that’s what matters more.i’m glad that u’re finally learning and the love of having someone love you for more than jst a friend. i’m happy for u and i can’t wait to see u in June. hugs.

    p/s: i caught the eclipse too… we watch the moon and stars and the skies a lot cos everything just feels and looks more peaceful and serene there

    boss says: I’ll be back in May. Flight on 21 May. Yes, coming home with him. 🙂

  2. okie i blog hopped from Soffie’s and landed here.
    and omg you are JE fangirl as well!
    Small world!
    My ichiban is Ryo and i so understand the dilemma in buying JE stuff and i try so hard not to be tempted! haha..

    elisia says: JE is love~~~ I adore Massu! That boy is survives on happy air and happy pills coz he’s always so smily.

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