In just a span of a week, I have to deal with two deaths and one death anniversary.
Today, I say goodbye to Alison. Her son was Kaitlin’s preschool classmate. Life can be really cruel and unpredictable, but she chose to face it positively even when the odds were against her. She was so helpful and sweet when I was at a loss of what to expect with dad. I reached out to her for information on brain radiation and she shared her experience with me. While I was never close to her, it felt nice to have someone out there who understood the uneasiness with cancer.
When Karen, a mutual friend, told me that things weren’t looking good with Alison. Based on what I had gone through with dad, I knew it wouldn’t be long. You know, deep down we all knew that time was running out for Alison, the day we knew she was diagnosed with cancer. Yet, we pushed the dark thoughts far away. (At least I felt this way.) Alison was the bravest soul who took her diagnosis with all the positivity in the world. She took every treatment in stride. With the patient being so positive like that, who are we, the 旁观者 to feel negative about it?
I don’t know how much time God gave her. Maybe more than two years? (Dad had slightly less than the average 18 months that the doctor mentioned.) 说长也不长，说短也不短。*sigh*
Goodbye, Alison. I will always remember the smile on your face even as you faced eventual death. You were the bravest soul.
I can’t remember if Yesung asked fans if we saw ourselves in the light or in the dark. Whether he asked or not, I gave it some thought.
Rather than absolutely say without a doubt that I’m in the light or dark, I see myself as in the middle. The middle between light and dark is the comfort zone and I see myself as curled up in that space. (Why curled up? Maybe coz that space is small? I don’t know.) I may go into the light and bask in it, chase after my friends, have a good time, but I will go back to that safe space to recharge alone. (True blue introvert speaking here.) I like being alone at times coz I don’t have to worry how people think, I just take care of myself. Sometimes I despair and find myself falling into the darkness, but I know I will find the strength to crawl back into that safe space. There may also be times I just want to walk into the darkness coz it is comforting. The stillness is comforting. It allows me to clear my head and face whatever difficulties that are yet to come.
The purpose of this post is to share my thoughts on Yesung’s title track “咲き誇る時を待つのは” of his new Japanese album. I know I have been yapping a lot about Yesung lately, but this one is really not a result of my fangirl moments. I felt like he kept asking fans about the song and MV — what they thought about it. Like it was an invitation to think a bit deeper. But at the same time, it also seemed like he didn’t want fans to think too deeply until we confused ourselves?
Anyway, here are my thoughts. But before we delve into it, I don’t think I am one who thinks deeply enough. I like things to be clear. Like black is black and white is white. However, as I grew up and older, we all know that the world isn’t as simple as that. Questions can be left unanswered coz there simply is no clear-cut answer to them. I guess it was with certain life experiences that I started to feel more deeply. To form my own thoughts to things that seem difficult or seem to have no answer to.
That’s enough of my rambling. On to my thoughts on the song and MV.
On first listen, I don’t know why but it didn’t seem like a song that got imprinted easily in my mind. I had to listen to it on repeat for a couple of times before the tune got into my head. Maybe it’s also coz my Japanese isn’t any good and I can’t pick up the meaning of the lyrics, that makes it harder to feel the song. Words have power that can convey emotions. Which is why I say I want to learn certain languages like Japanese or Korean. Music is that motivation. I can’t fully feel and appreciate a song without understanding its lyrics. Worse, I can’t sing along when I don’t know the language. I’m not going to try any Korean song lest I butcher it.
When the MV came out and Yesung explained to look at it simply as it is. A girl who is afraid of the light and a guy who is afraid of the dark, find each other and learn to love the other side they were afraid of. The part about being afraid of the light, reminded me so much of the drama/movie “タイヨウのうた“. The main character, Kaoru Amane, has a condition called XP and is unable to go into the sun, so she fears the light and embraces the night. She falls in love with a regular guy, who helps her experience what it’s like to be out in the day like any other person. (Sidenote: I love the song “Good-bye Days” sung by YUI in the movie version. I sing it often in KTV.)
Then, there’s the scene where Yesung stands in the dark with shooting stars? falling from the sky. He kinda explained the light from the shooting stars as his fans (ELFs). We are his light that shines through when he feels lost in the darkness. I don’t know, but the shooting stars coming down felt like a scene from Makoto Shinkai’s “君の名は。“
There is also this scene where the girl runs to catch up with the guy to return his torchlight. She covers her head with her hood to shield herself from the sun (light). For a moment, her fear takes over and suddenly she finds herself in this void with the hood over her head. It seemed like some fans had trouble understanding what was going on with that scene. I think you have to look at it metaphorically. It’s not that she is physically transported to a different place by the magic of her hood, but she is metaphorically transported to the dark that she finds comforting. It’s like going back to your comfort zone.
The few Japanese words that I understood and stood out for me most was the phrase “本当会いたかった” meaning “(I) wanted to see (you)” with the emphasis on missing someone. To me, it expresses longing for someone and hoping to close that gap (whether in a literal sense to be next to someone or metaphorically to be closer in heart/in a relationship with someone).
Our local lolita community just lost a treasured and valuable member. I haven’t spoken to her before (just me and my awkward introvert self), but I’ve always admired her aesthetic. She was one of the lolitas who didn’t seem bothered that she was wearing specs with lolita or not wearing a wig. Things that I was a bit self-conscious about. She always styled herself so well, with braided hairstyles. Something I never managed to do (me and my clumsy fingers). Her slim and tall figure meant that she always looked good in classic lolita.
*sigh*
I knew she quite regularly met up with 2-3 lolitas and it seemed like nothing was wrong. But you never know the demons people battle with inside. And last night, she lost the fight.
I learnt of it this morning from a fellow lolita’s IGS.
Dear girl, I hope you find the love, light and peace you were looking for.
Wow, the last post was written back in 2022? I have neglected this blog too much. Then again, life and responsibilities just catches up with me and I find myself unable to sit down for too long to stew in my own thoughts. But, even as I go back and forth with hiatuses from blogging, I am unwilling to give up on hosting this blog. It contains precious memories. It’s my dumping ground for my thoughts. If you look back at all my posts, you can practically see me growing up and how my thoughts change along with it. I also love writing out my thoughts. It gives me this sense of clarity and relief for things I’m puzzled with.
I can’t promise that I will keep writing regularly but I’m certain that I will not be giving up on this blog yet…
IG has been a place for me to work on sponsorships but I want to move away from being an influencer and an ad board, and become more of a content creator where I showcase more of my thoughts. That’s why you begin to see segments like “Story Time” and “I Try”. Threads on the other hand, is a place where I have verbal/thought diarrhoea. Piece meal, random thoughts that float into my head. A random mish-mash of thoughts. Both grounds are unlike a blog. I can’t go free flow on my thoughts and words due to space constraints. For IG, reels more than 90 seconds hardly get pushed to viewers. For Threads, there’s a character limit. That is why this blog will not die.
But the problem is…I have too much to say, right? I just love rambling on and on, even though I’m a true blue introvert and hardly speak much verbally. The words just pour out when I write.
Every time I come back here to pen something, it will be after like a long time. Wish I had more time to do whatever I like, but being an adult is hard… And I guess it’s just a matter of priorities. I chose to embark on an influencer journey with IG being the main focus, hence this blog has to take a back seat.
Anyway, on to the main point.
So I caught the big C and had to be isolated for a while. For most part, I’m actually loving my time in here. For once, I don’t have to be doing household chores and taking care of the kids 24/7. I still do have to go out of the room once in a while to handle some things (coz hubby can’t handle it all alone…hah…and I could when he was the one in isolation) but it’s rather minimal already.
While in isolation, my influencer jobs were mostly put on hold. Apart from some engagement work, I actually for once have free time to do a couple of other things. Oh yes, I binge watched and caught up on the C drama I’m watching now. I get to literally nua and stay in bed a lot. Like A LOT. The earlier days of C+, I slept a lot. Now, not so much but I get to just lie in bed whenever I feel like it. Happiness~~~
It is probably my last few hours in isolation and this freedom is going to end, but gonna milk it for what it’s worth and enjoy my last moments of it. I guess the only moments I don’t enjoy is having to wear a mask all the time. The N95 mask is terrible…so tight and hardly can breathe in it. Oh and the frequent hand washing. I have never washed my hands so many times in a day before.
So…I’m back with some unpopular opinion. Yup, here’s my opinion that no one asked for.
I was just googling drama stuff yesterday when I stumbled upon the big news of Deng Lun evading taxes and getting cancelled. I *guess* evading taxes is a serious crime but seems like what follows is cancel culture in China. Especially if you’re in showbiz. He’s definitely not the first to get cancelled for his misdeeds but I’m like…erm…do we really need to do this? It’s not just brands dropping him as ambassador. I honestly get that bit. I mean, which brand would want someone “tainted” or “criminal” to be the face of their brand right? A brand stands for certain qualities, so someone with a bad record probably wouldn’t embody those qualities. But really? Blocking his social media accounts? I don’t get this one.
Then there’s all the hate messages. Well, I know haters gonna hate and some people just NEED to be keyboard warriors or trolls. But gosh, do you REALLY have to tear someone to shreds with your words? Does it enrich your life to hurt someone with mean words? Someone that you don’t even personally know. I feel like this is the dark side of humanity. If there’s anything to be afraid of in this world, humans are the scariest. These are the people that make you lose faith in humanity.
I don’t know…but maybe this whole evading taxes thing is a common thing, just what degree of severity and when you get caught. It’s like finding loopholes in the rules to get around them. I’m not saying that evading taxes is the right thing to do or waving his deed off as nothing serious. Just that perhaps everyone does it in some way and maybe he got a bit too greedy this time and oops…got caught.
So I saw more pics of Yang Yang at (an airport?) Starbucks getting a drink. Again with lots of fans holding up their camera phones to click away. This weird irritated feeling bubbled inside me. “Can the poor guy just get a coffee without all the scrutiny and attention?”
I know that when I was younger, I had my time of star chasing. The days of queuing for hours. Almost joined some other crazy fans to chase stars around in a taxi. (My mum would have disapproved so I didn’t.) But the fact is, I had condoned such behaviour, so who am I now to judge? Perhaps these fans are just living out their teenage youth.
Somewhere along those years, I stopped doing all this coz I decided that beauty sleep is more important. Family members are more important. (I gave up catching a glimpse of Arashi when they came to Singapore.) Maybe I finally understood, even if just a little, what my grandpa meant when he said “What’s so special about them? They are also human right?”
I also start to see things from another perspective. What if all the camera phones were pointed at me? What if they were all IN. MY. FACE? How would I feel? Honestly, I would feel annoyed. Can’t I just go about my life doing normal things like other people do…without all the attention? I’ve had people stare at me when I’m in lolita. Also had people try to take pictures of me. I’ve learnt to ignore but really that is only a FEW people. There are times I feel a bit weird like please don’t treat me like I’m some animal/exhibit in the zoo, but I’ve also learnt to brush these feelings away. (Sidenote: I prefer people asking if they can take my photo. Like just ask, I don’t bite. I usually will oblige if people ask me nicely. Taking photos without my permission is just rude.)
But, this (Yang Yang’s situation) is way above my level. If I had a question I wanted to ask Yang Yang or just any celebrity, it would be “How do you even tahan this (level of attention)?” Everywhere he walks, it’s all these camera phones.
I understand that perhaps these celebrities condone it coz they feel that it’s a harmless thing fans are doing. This is just something fans do and all this is part of celebrity life. Perhaps celebrities also feel that it is somewhat fan service? After all, it is through fan support that I am where I am today. And on a separate note, this is perhaps part of the Chinese (PRC) culture? (Not allowed for sure in Japan coz some Singaporean fans were scolded by Viyuden’s manager years ago when they tried tailing the van.)
I also understand that with all these fans clicking away, other fans like me get fed with photos of our glorious star. HAHAHA…such irony right? Though honestly, I can still live my life pretty well without these photos. So thank you very much.
But he is only human. I guess he should be entitled to the basic courtesy of privacy and normalcy right? Like dude CAN get a coffee minus the attention. *shrugs*
Another one of those impossible things I thought of this morning.
Actually this was something I came across last night but started to think about it this morning. So I was happily scrolling through IG and came across this pic of Yang Yang walking through possibly the airport. Could see fans taking pics of him in the background.
I suppose when you’re a celebrity, you kinda get used to the attention and after a while, you kinda know how to block out all the noise. But I wonder do these celebrities ever (if even for just one second) wish that they could live life like a normal person without all the attention? Does it get tiring that you’re always under the scrutiny of someone? Like someone is always gonna judge you?
Perhaps my questions are taboo coz this is part and parcel of celebrity life and even if you secretly wish for life without the attention, you can’t say it out. Someone will get hurt or angry if you do coz THIS IS part of celebrity life. You don’t get to choose.
I just can’t imagine myself doing this. I think it will be a big inner struggle for me. Coz then I can’t be my true self. I will always have to keep some thoughts to myself. Even if I don’t like something, I have to just pretend I am fine with it. Remember I said I live by the words “This is who I am…” I can’t suppress feelings for too long. It becomes an inner struggle and it makes me feel like I’m losing myself. Which is why I also write…and blog it out.
Scams a plenty on Instagram. Stolen pics of handsome men. Some seemingly rich and flaunting their wealth with pics of fine cuisine, flashy sports/luxury cars, luxury goods, the list goes on.
All I wanna say is…
OEI. You think all girls are gold diggers meh? You think I have never eaten before what you’ve eaten meh? Please lah. Don’t make me roll my eyes.
The promise of a luxurious lifestyle is attractive to some but hey, I think I much prefer going on dates to the aquarium or a library with interesting decor. Also, self-made gifts and the occasional flowers are much more appreciated coz they contain the giver’s thoughts and love.
If you think money and luxury is what a girl wants then hmmm…you gotta think again. Gonna quote a friend here. What a girl wants is to simply eat and not get fat. TRUE STORY. Nowadays, even I breathe air also can get fat. How leh?!
