expectations

*sigh* It’s good to be able to air your grievances to someone who is willing to listen or feels the same way as you do. Sometimes I find myself in a position where I’m unable to do so because I get shot down each time. What about me not bothering about the family or that I should examine myself first… It begins with anger then turns to sheer disappointment when I hear such stuff. Just coz the words mean to accuse me of something I’m not and they come from someone I hold dear.

I know you have problems and that I’m not in a position to judge you simply coz I will not be able to feel what you feel neither can I read your mind. But I wonder whether you realise the things you say and do hurt others as well. Maybe what I write here will make you feel more down but please don’t. Although I may feel angry or sad but it is only momentary. Whatever happens, you are still family – someone I love. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.

I spent the afternoon looking through the SAT preparation booklet. I don’t know if I’m right in saying that I’m starting to get cold feet about the whole thing. I’m not sure I can make it. I keep getting thoughts of “what have I gotten myself into?” I really don’t want to waste the money. What if I study and still don’t make it? Sure, everyone keeps saying that I can do it coz I come from a family with a good English language foundation or that I came from the class with the best English language standard back in Secondary school. But I know myself best. Flipping through the booklet, looking at the type of questions I’m going to face, it’s really not easy. I haven’t even seen some of the words before. The essay, I’m not sure I can handle it.

I’ve told my parents not to mention about me taking the test to everyone. Especially since I’m taking the test around the Chinese New Year period. I know an uncle who is bound to criticise if he knew about it. If everyone got to know of it and I don’t make it then it’ll be so 丢脸 and it’ll make me feel worse. That I haven’t lived up to everyone’s expectations.

2 thoughts on “expectations

  1. I know that feeling.. Sometimes it sucks to have to live up to expectations. Sometimes even my own.. *sigh*

    But it’s okay.. You fulfil my expectations as a friend *CLIIIING*

    elisia says: *hugz*

  2. hi. i found your site through nadine’s.

    aobut the SATs: i live in the US and even we have problems with the SATs. I had problems with the verbal part too, but math is what killed me. Don’t cut yourself short. Do what you can, and believe in yourself =P.

    elisia says: Thanks for the little encouragement. I’ll try my best. =)

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