i believe in karma

“In the next moment, I might fall down or get knocked down by a car. That’s coz I believe in karma.”

As I’ve told Per before, I feel like I’m a bitch these days. I don’t know if what I say is really what I feel anymore or I’m just a stupid bitch being mean to others.

Things are not getting any better at home. I know what seems to be my indifference towards the family (or rather just my grandparents) is maybe seen as being disrespectful, but believe me, it is to preserve my own sanity at times. I’m afraid of myself, that I will get angry and say hurtful things. Things that deep down I don’t really mean to say. Thus, I choose to keep silent.

Just a few days ago, after Sis admitted some things, Sis and I were watching tv when my grandma came up and said “在钰,你是不是讨厌 mama 和 yeye?” What kind of a question is that? How do I answer it? No, I don’t hate you but I hate your selfish little acts? I hate questions like these coz you know it too well that we are family. No matter what happens, deep down we know we still care for each other.

I feel there’s a strain on everyone. Sis is struggling with her depression to the point that the doctor is giving her sleeping pills. It is scary to see what these pills do to her each night. She can’t even stand when the pills start to work on her. I know how we wish that we can just fall into this blanket of darkness where it consumes your sadness, fears and emotions till you feel nothing. But to see these little pills seem to take over her body and then erase the memory of whatever was said, it is too frightening.

Mum goes about trying to support Sis in every way she can but I know it’s tiring. I know it from the way she snaps at little things I do. I know it coz I sometimes feel like giving up and just yell at Sis but I know I can’t. Mum knows she can’t.

Dad tries to be the mediator but I wonder how long he can hold up. I feel it isn’t working. I feel like it’s coming to what I predicted. It’s either them (grandparents) or us.

I, on the other hand, have discovered something. The term “workaholic”. But now I understand why some people turn into one. Coz it takes your mind off things. You can keep going on and on like a robot and not feel a thing. No emotions, just numb. Don’t get alarmed though, I’ve not turned into one.

I have so many questions but I know there are no answers. There are no answers coz it just is.

I need to sort out my emotions.

And now, I need to escape reality…just for awhile.

One thought on “i believe in karma

  1. You are now at a turning point of your life, a choice between a career and studies. I cannot imagine the amount of stress that’s going on through your mind at this moment, but I am pretty definite that it wouldn’t end any earlier than we expect. Don’t be mistaken but I wouldn’t want to sound politically correct or trying to sound comforting when the situation clearly doesn’t allow so.

    There are answers to your questions, albeit it takes a little more courage to approach them.

    I feel that when we have an argument, it’s because we couldn’t arrive at a consensus to an issue. If it’s not solved, it will escalate to something worse.

    You might want to approach your grandparents and tell them what’s really wrong. Tell them in a proper tone, but with certain assertion. Since they sensed something’s wrong and they are aware that something about them caused certain tension between you and them. Perhaps you may want to find some ways to trash things out.

    Tell them what are the things that you felt, like them being selfish at occasions and therefore you feel unjustified that things are working out that way. It’s not about hurting each other, but in order to understand one another, it is inevitable to have a couple of heated arguments. Toleration is not the key to solving problems. Only if you are ready to accept them for who they are, then probably you wouldn’t even be bothered in the first place.

    I wouldn’t say that grandparents are easy to deal with, I’m also facing with a similar issue here.

    As for your sis, there’s treatment for depression and I am sure she will recover a lot faster if she’s seeking the right places for treatment. Send my regards to her though.

    Remember, you can blog about your problems, you can talk to others. But they don’t cease to exist, you still have to face them and nip the problems in their buds in order to move on.

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