a confusion of emotions

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I received 2 letters from DePaul University. Something which I have been looking forward to. I opened the first. I was happy. They acknowledged that they have received my application. I didn’t think much of the second, thinking that it was just some information during the wait of the processing of applications. My heart sank. They rejected me.

To tell the truth, I have never taken rejection well. Quite ironic of me to say that since I have been rejected before (not for school matters, some other things) and I seem ok. It’s not ok. It’s popping your happy bubble that you survive on. I am inwardly cursing myself.

For a minute, I was flying high. And the next moment, they crushed the happy picture I painted for myself.

I actually wanted to take a picture of my happiness that arrived a few days ago. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign accepted me. I received the package. But now I’m kinda hurting and I can’t be bothered to anymore.

I had made up my mind. DePaul was my first choice. U of I was second. I wanted very much to attend DePaul coz then I could take up Japanese studies. I wish I didn’t hope so much.

i believe in karma

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“In the next moment, I might fall down or get knocked down by a car. That’s coz I believe in karma.”

As I’ve told Per before, I feel like I’m a bitch these days. I don’t know if what I say is really what I feel anymore or I’m just a stupid bitch being mean to others.

Things are not getting any better at home. I know what seems to be my indifference towards the family (or rather just my grandparents) is maybe seen as being disrespectful, but believe me, it is to preserve my own sanity at times. I’m afraid of myself, that I will get angry and say hurtful things. Things that deep down I don’t really mean to say. Thus, I choose to keep silent.

Just a few days ago, after Sis admitted some things, Sis and I were watching tv when my grandma came up and said “在钰，你是不是讨厌 mama 和 yeye?” What kind of a question is that? How do I answer it? No, I don’t hate you but I hate your selfish little acts? I hate questions like these coz you know it too well that we are family. No matter what happens, deep down we know we still care for each other.

I feel there’s a strain on everyone. Sis is struggling with her depression to the point that the doctor is giving her sleeping pills. It is scary to see what these pills do to her each night. She can’t even stand when the pills start to work on her. I know how we wish that we can just fall into this blanket of darkness where it consumes your sadness, fears and emotions till you feel nothing. But to see these little pills seem to take over her body and then erase the memory of whatever was said, it is too frightening.

Mum goes about trying to support Sis in every way she can but I know it’s tiring. I know it from the way she snaps at little things I do. I know it coz I sometimes feel like giving up and just yell at Sis but I know I can’t. Mum knows she can’t.

Dad tries to be the mediator but I wonder how long he can hold up. I feel it isn’t working. I feel like it’s coming to what I predicted. It’s either them (grandparents) or us.

I, on the other hand, have discovered something. The term “workaholic”. But now I understand why some people turn into one. Coz it takes your mind off things. You can keep going on and on like a robot and not feel a thing. No emotions, just numb. Don’t get alarmed though, I’ve not turned into one.

I have so many questions but I know there are no answers. There are no answers coz it just is.

I need to sort out my emotions.

And now, I need to escape reality…just for awhile.

hot air rises…

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Remember those little facts you learnt in school during science lessons? What about hot air rises and cold air sinks. Or transfer of heat by conduction or convection current. Whatever…

Just a random thought I had while drying my hair a few days ago…

Is it possible to cook an egg with a hairdryer?

:glare: So much for laughing at Pwen when she asked if she could use her hairdryer in Australia.

give me more random topics

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“I swear that one day, my computer is going to explode in my face.”

Some random topics…

Computer
Yes, you read the topic sentence. I’ve been fiddling around with my computer a lot. Adding and removing programs. So much that my computer gives out weird (but unharmful) error messages, hangs at random moments, is getting slower and slower when starting up and generally a bitch most of the time.

Just this evening, I was trying to change some configurations so I will be able to type in traditional Chinese. Downloading the global IME and in so doing, having to uninstall Microsoft Visio coz it isn’t a legal copy and the Microsoft website doesn’t recognise it. Oopz…*protests* poor students can’t afford totally legal stuff. Besides, I only needed it when I was still studying in TP. Hardly use it now.

I still haven’t burnt out all the stuff I downloaded. Hehe…Nad, don’t think your 320GB hard drive is almighty. Very soon it will fill up and you’ll be complaining that you need more space. Anyway, I’ve been saying that I want to burn out my stuff and reformat my computer so many times but I haven’t done so. Procrastinator.

Cars
Ever since I started working with the motor processing team in NTUC Income, I’ve started to notice cars on the road a lot more.

May I conclude that a Kia Picanto is a cute car! :heart: I would love to own this cute car if I ever learn how to drive. My car would be pink. Although Kia Picantos don’t come in this shade but I could always get it repainted right? Well, all this is of course…impossible. Coz we all know that…

  1. Cars are freakin’ expensive in Singapore. Or at least the COE is.
  2. Motor insurance is also freakin’ expensive. Trust me, I know.
  3. Elisia has a lousy sense of direction. HAHAHAHAHA… :rofl:

And I’m still trying to find out the model and make of the cute pink car in the neighbouring carpark.

Money and Music
While most girls spend their money on clothes, I spend most of my money on CDs and magazines.

The minute I got my pay, I walked into a cd shop and exited with…

  1. 花样少年少女 OST
  2. YUI – From Me To You album
  3. Yuna Ito – Heart album
  4. BoA – Made In Twenty (20) album

That’s like a lot of money. See, that’s why people resort to downloading music.

It’s kinda ironic also that I buy the cds and don’t listen to them as a cd. As in, I rip the songs out and transfer them to my mp3 player so I can listen to the songs as I walk to work and back home everyday.

Sudoku
Sudoku is addictive. At first, I couldn’t understand what was all the fuss about a little puzzle. Never knew or even bothered to find out how to play it. Until a few days ago, I decided to make an attempt at it since there was one in the newspapers that is given out free every morning at the office building. Not like I would pick up a copy of the newspaper every morning since it’s in Chinese. Don’t get me wrong, I CAN read and understand Chinese but I’m just lazy to read the language since it takes me much longer to read something in Chinese than in English. Anyway, I only pick up a copy of the newspaper if an article on the front cover catches my eye.

After this exciting discovery that Sudoku is addictive, I’m going to pick up the newspaper every morning. Whether I read the articles or not, that’s none of your business. Hahaha…

floating around

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I think I’m leading a very aimless life. I have lost the patience to read blog entries, emails etc. I’m not very updated on the going-ons and news of my friends until someone comes to tell me. I’ve been shrinking away from MSN – half the time I’m in “appear offline” mode. Anyway a random thought, why don’t they just name it “invisible” mode? I haven’t for goodness sake cleared the stuff in my computer.

The only aim I have everyday is to make sure I process/issue at least 20 insurance proposals a day.

What a sad life I have.

be my love?

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Sis mentioned Valentine’s Day. Of course it was to talk about herself and how she has no date this year. AND, as usual, she shifted the topic to me and how my status has been single for coming to 22 years.

Sis: You leh, you leh? Go ask xxx to be your date.
Me: No. xxx probably thinks I’m a sarcastic bitch.

Which I think is kinda true…I think. Oh well, I survived 21 years without a date so I don’t think I’ll die now just coz I don’t have one this year. Don’t ever ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend. Same answer: You think one will fall from the sky for me?

i felt selfish today

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“If I was ever mean to anybody, that was my evil shadow…”

I felt like being selfish and わがまま today. I was tired after work. Went down to TP to get my recommendation letter from Mr Lai. Called Sis to ask about dinner plans. She told me to call Dad instead but did mention that we were all going out to eat together with grandparents. Called Dad but he was in the bath. Decided to proceed to Tampines Central anyway. Called Dad again when I reached the interchange. He didn’t pick up the phone. Called Sis, she insisted that I call Dad. WTH. You’re all at home, why can’t you go ask Dad? Dad called later to say that we weren’t going out aferall. That was it. I was so pissed off that I decided to be selfish and settle my own dinner myself.

Moral of the story: Do not irritate a tired Elisia.

I’m too tired to bother about anything these days. I give half-past six replies to personal emails. I seem to irritate the hell out of others with my can’t-be-botheredness. I am mean to innocent people. 神様 HELP! My evil shadow is taking over me!

Anyway, I finished watching the drama version of タイヨのうた。It’s a little different from the movie version. I couldn’t help but think what would I do if I was told I would die at the age of 20 (ignoring the fact that I’m already past that age). I don’t think I’ll be that brave to accept that fact. 夢と生命どっちの? やっぱり生命でしょう? I don’t think I’ll have the courage to choose 夢。*sigh* I’m a coward.

I didn’t go shopping in the end. I was happily doing the tedious job of renaming all my mp3s in my mp3 player just so it looks more cool when the song title appears in Chinese/Japanese/Korean characters on the display. Ok, so little things like these delight me. I am fully aware that Chinese New Year is just round the corner and I don’t have any new clothes to wear, except for that new black top I bought which is going to be totally useless for Chinese New Year. Haha…

for so long…so long

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I’m not sure if I should go on a hiatus. I don’t get much computer time anymore. When I get to use the computer, I’ve got other things to do…blogging becomes last priority and I never get to it in the end. When I want to blog, I don’t have access to my computer.

I’m still trying to figure out my own emotions. It was a momentary release when my grandparents went back to Malaysia for 6 days or so. No, it was a momentary release for 3 of us (Mum, Sis and I). I felt I could breathe again. I didn’t have to feel guilty for once and I could go around the house doing the things I wanted to. I didn’t have to feel like I was keeping my temper in check all the time. Although I hate that I have to be like that, I can’t help it. All the disappointment just sums up. I don’t feel like talking to my own grandparents. How fuckin’ sad is that?

At work, I just go about doing my work and stop thinking about my own emotions. I guess it’s to numb out what I feel. Anyway, at work there’s always other things to worry about. Like whether I’m doing things right and that I should keep mistakes at a minimum.

Oh by the way, I’m still in NTUC Income. I was going to quit but they offered an admin position. So I’m in the Motor Processing team now. Basically, I just key in data for Motor insurance proposals and issue Motor insurance policies. Of course, data entry is always a boring job coz it’s routine but I think I much prefer that to being a call agent. At least I don’t feel like murdering anyone anymore.

I’m on an AAA high again. I just asked Ling to help me get their 2nd and 3rd concert dvds at Narita airport if she manages to find them. Thank God she’s only transiting or else I would have asked her to get me a lot more stuff and she’ll hate me for that. Heehee~~~ I got their 2nd album with dvd from Mariyanto’s friend. Happy~~~

I’ll be broke this month. I spent $200+ on NewS. So happy that they are back. I still remember listening to “Dreams” and getting a little emotional. Ordered stuff from this year’s spring con (I won’t get to go anyway…) + their new single (both normal and limited editions) + 2007 calendar. Kinda pissed off that I ordered Jrs calendar coz I thought NewS wasn’t going to have their own calendar. Guess I’ll sell it off later if I don’t want it. I kinda have this small nagging feeling that Kusano and Uchi are not coming back and that NewS will remain as a 6-man group. Hope I’m wrong… Anyway, thanks to Celestine for helping me get Massu’s uchiwa from Countdown concert. 🙂

Magazines will be coming in this Friday. Mise was closed yesterday…so no Miso Soup till next weekend. So much for getting high in HMV when I saw Miso Soup on the shelf. 

NewS released a new pv for サヤエンドウ! Ain’t that great though coz it’s mostly scenes from last year’s spring con. And sorry Massu, Shige looked the most handsome in spring con while singing サヤエンドウ. But Massu as usual, you made me laugh.

I finished watching “궁“. *victory sign* Very enjoyable korean drama. *dreamy look* Conquering “タイヨのうた” next. 沢尻 エリカ looks very different in タイヨのうた. Way more grown up than in １リットルの涙.

Was kinda happy when I saw NANA anime episodes uploaded in clubbox. But alas, my happiness was shortlived. It refused to download. Damn. Cathay should really bring in the NANA movie. What are you guys waiting for? It was already featured in the Singapore news. BRING IT IN!!! Sidenote, Ling also thinks that 市川由衣 doesn’t suit the role of 小松奈々 in NANA2.

Lastly, merry christmas, happy birthday, happy new year, happy whatever…all the occasions I missed wishing here. I missed blogging about Wawa’s, Chloe’s, Yui’s, PK’s, CJ’s, Sis’s birthdays. I missed blogging on XW and Paul’s wedding. Congratulations to both of you. I missed blogging on 7ners gathering at Albert Court Hotel. Things which I don’t feel like blogging anymore. No reason why. Once the feeling is gone, it’s gone.

disappointments in life

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Disappointment 1
我很不甘愿…

I put in more effort this time but…sigh. I got a much higher score for the Math portion. But the Verbal and Writing sections are worse.

Last night, Dad showed me my cousin’s grades. I know he didn’t mean to remind me of my way lousier grades but it did hurt me. *tries to do the Mr-D-confidence chant*

At that moment, Mdm Pey’s words rang in my ears. “如果你不满意你的成绩，你可以重考。” It has been 5 years since but the memory is fresh. I remember crying over my C5 O’level chinese grade. Although I didn’t work that hard but with my constant B3 chinese grade at tests both in school and tuition, I was sure that even if I didn’t get a B3 grade, I would get B4. It was a rude shock to see that C5 staring back at me. I didn’t retake the exam in the end as my A Maths was in a more urgent state of saving.

Facing my SAT results was like seeing history repeat itself. Except, I don’t think I’m going to retake it. Twice is enough.

Disappointment 2
To find out that someone may not be as nice as he/she seems is a disappointment. To find out that that someone is your own relative is hurting.

That person is now living in my home. I don’t know how to face her. The feeling is numb. I know that everyone has that bit of selfishness in them to secure their place in this world. But using that bit of selfishness on your own family is kinda hurting.

I wish I didn’t have to look at you this way but sometimes your demands are too much and out of this world. It pains me to see my mummy being bullied. I hate to see daddy being torn between letting you have your way and agreeing to mummy in the first place.

Sad to say, the person is my grandma.

Disappointment 3
二姑 is not well – emotionally and physically. She hasn’t been since Uncle Ling passed away. Her brothers and sister are trying to get medical help for her. Anger and disappointment in each other.

Me being the “email archive”, I was disappointed to read that my uncle expects my cousin to be responsible for everything from now on. Sure, she has to take care of her mum now and she has to grow up a little faster than others but has it ever occurred to you that she is still young and has her own problems to face? It’s not about “she has to this and she has to that”. It’s about talking to her and understanding what she is facing as well. Let her enjoy her time as a youth.

I remember telling sensei (Kelvin) that time never healed wounds, it only gave us experience. However, I pray that God will ease the emotional pain.

Disappointment 4
I’m disappointed in a friend’s actions.

awaiting my doom

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Oh gawd. This is mental stress. The last time I took it, 3 friends were taking it too. This time, a cousin and a friend are taking it too. I know I’m not supposed to compare myself but I can’t help it. I keep feeling I’m way inferior. Which is probably true coz my brain seems to want to switch off after 3 practice papers. 3 practice papers – not enough right? Yea, I ought to be slapped coz I’m too lazy.

Message to my eyes: PLEASE READ FASTER!
Message to my brain: PLEASE PROCESS THE INFORMATION FASTER!
Brain to me: HELP!!!
Me: … *static*