spread my love

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“Now that I’m sick, nobody should make me angry or else I’ll spread my love to you. My love = my germ-ies.”

I’m sick. My brain feels like it’s fried. Good excuse for not having to think. It’s high time my brain needs a holiday. Been thinking and worrying about various things – family, school and work.

I’ve been wriggling like a worm in my bed. Trying to find the most comfortable position to sleep. My back and knees are aching. My head is pounding. My throat is sore and laced with phlegm that refuses to be expelled so much that I feel like just ripping it (my throat) out. Now, that’s the bad part of being sick.

Love me, love my germies.

a confusion of emotions

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I received 2 letters from DePaul University. Something which I have been looking forward to. I opened the first. I was happy. They acknowledged that they have received my application. I didn’t think much of the second, thinking that it was just some information during the wait of the processing of applications. My heart sank. They rejected me.

To tell the truth, I have never taken rejection well. Quite ironic of me to say that since I have been rejected before (not for school matters, some other things) and I seem ok. It’s not ok. It’s popping your happy bubble that you survive on. I am inwardly cursing myself.

For a minute, I was flying high. And the next moment, they crushed the happy picture I painted for myself.

I actually wanted to take a picture of my happiness that arrived a few days ago. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign accepted me. I received the package. But now I’m kinda hurting and I can’t be bothered to anymore.

I had made up my mind. DePaul was my first choice. U of I was second. I wanted very much to attend DePaul coz then I could take up Japanese studies. I wish I didn’t hope so much.

i believe in karma

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“In the next moment, I might fall down or get knocked down by a car. That’s coz I believe in karma.”

As I’ve told Per before, I feel like I’m a bitch these days. I don’t know if what I say is really what I feel anymore or I’m just a stupid bitch being mean to others.

Things are not getting any better at home. I know what seems to be my indifference towards the family (or rather just my grandparents) is maybe seen as being disrespectful, but believe me, it is to preserve my own sanity at times. I’m afraid of myself, that I will get angry and say hurtful things. Things that deep down I don’t really mean to say. Thus, I choose to keep silent.

Just a few days ago, after Sis admitted some things, Sis and I were watching tv when my grandma came up and said “在钰，你是不是讨厌 mama 和 yeye?” What kind of a question is that? How do I answer it? No, I don’t hate you but I hate your selfish little acts? I hate questions like these coz you know it too well that we are family. No matter what happens, deep down we know we still care for each other.

I feel there’s a strain on everyone. Sis is struggling with her depression to the point that the doctor is giving her sleeping pills. It is scary to see what these pills do to her each night. She can’t even stand when the pills start to work on her. I know how we wish that we can just fall into this blanket of darkness where it consumes your sadness, fears and emotions till you feel nothing. But to see these little pills seem to take over her body and then erase the memory of whatever was said, it is too frightening.

Mum goes about trying to support Sis in every way she can but I know it’s tiring. I know it from the way she snaps at little things I do. I know it coz I sometimes feel like giving up and just yell at Sis but I know I can’t. Mum knows she can’t.

Dad tries to be the mediator but I wonder how long he can hold up. I feel it isn’t working. I feel like it’s coming to what I predicted. It’s either them (grandparents) or us.

I, on the other hand, have discovered something. The term “workaholic”. But now I understand why some people turn into one. Coz it takes your mind off things. You can keep going on and on like a robot and not feel a thing. No emotions, just numb. Don’t get alarmed though, I’ve not turned into one.

I have so many questions but I know there are no answers. There are no answers coz it just is.

I need to sort out my emotions.

And now, I need to escape reality…just for awhile.

hot air rises…

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Remember those little facts you learnt in school during science lessons? What about hot air rises and cold air sinks. Or transfer of heat by conduction or convection current. Whatever…

Just a random thought I had while drying my hair a few days ago…

Is it possible to cook an egg with a hairdryer?

:glare: So much for laughing at Pwen when she asked if she could use her hairdryer in Australia.

give me more random topics

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“I swear that one day, my computer is going to explode in my face.”

Some random topics…

Computer
Yes, you read the topic sentence. I’ve been fiddling around with my computer a lot. Adding and removing programs. So much that my computer gives out weird (but unharmful) error messages, hangs at random moments, is getting slower and slower when starting up and generally a bitch most of the time.

Just this evening, I was trying to change some configurations so I will be able to type in traditional Chinese. Downloading the global IME and in so doing, having to uninstall Microsoft Visio coz it isn’t a legal copy and the Microsoft website doesn’t recognise it. Oopz…*protests* poor students can’t afford totally legal stuff. Besides, I only needed it when I was still studying in TP. Hardly use it now.

I still haven’t burnt out all the stuff I downloaded. Hehe…Nad, don’t think your 320GB hard drive is almighty. Very soon it will fill up and you’ll be complaining that you need more space. Anyway, I’ve been saying that I want to burn out my stuff and reformat my computer so many times but I haven’t done so. Procrastinator.

Cars
Ever since I started working with the motor processing team in NTUC Income, I’ve started to notice cars on the road a lot more.

May I conclude that a Kia Picanto is a cute car! :heart: I would love to own this cute car if I ever learn how to drive. My car would be pink. Although Kia Picantos don’t come in this shade but I could always get it repainted right? Well, all this is of course…impossible. Coz we all know that…

  1. Cars are freakin’ expensive in Singapore. Or at least the COE is.
  2. Motor insurance is also freakin’ expensive. Trust me, I know.
  3. Elisia has a lousy sense of direction. HAHAHAHAHA… :rofl:

And I’m still trying to find out the model and make of the cute pink car in the neighbouring carpark.

Money and Music
While most girls spend their money on clothes, I spend most of my money on CDs and magazines.

The minute I got my pay, I walked into a cd shop and exited with…

  1. 花样少年少女 OST
  2. YUI – From Me To You album
  3. Yuna Ito – Heart album
  4. BoA – Made In Twenty (20) album

That’s like a lot of money. See, that’s why people resort to downloading music.

It’s kinda ironic also that I buy the cds and don’t listen to them as a cd. As in, I rip the songs out and transfer them to my mp3 player so I can listen to the songs as I walk to work and back home everyday.

Sudoku
Sudoku is addictive. At first, I couldn’t understand what was all the fuss about a little puzzle. Never knew or even bothered to find out how to play it. Until a few days ago, I decided to make an attempt at it since there was one in the newspapers that is given out free every morning at the office building. Not like I would pick up a copy of the newspaper every morning since it’s in Chinese. Don’t get me wrong, I CAN read and understand Chinese but I’m just lazy to read the language since it takes me much longer to read something in Chinese than in English. Anyway, I only pick up a copy of the newspaper if an article on the front cover catches my eye.

After this exciting discovery that Sudoku is addictive, I’m going to pick up the newspaper every morning. Whether I read the articles or not, that’s none of your business. Hahaha…

uiuc accepted me

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February 16. The day the school’s decision is made known. Although I wasn’t TOO nervous, to say I’m not nervous at all would be a lie. All the “what if”s floating around in my mind. This school had a higher cut-off point for the SAT score. My grades aren’t that wonderful. The Singapore students they have, come from good JCs with wonderful grades. What if? What if? What if?

There’s a statement on the website to say that the internet decision is not final until you’ve received the official papers through mail. But that’s one hurdle crossed right?

new looks

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I gave kuro-chan a makeover. So, kuro-chan is now all キラキラ。Oh~超好き!!! :rofl:

I went shopping for clothes on Saturday. My hurried attempt at getting something new to wear for Chinese New Year. :rofl: Went from Bugis Junction to Marina Square. And I only ended up with one skirt. Ermz…which I won’t be able to wear for Chinese New Year. Again. Haha… *everybody pengz* I was kinda shocked to find it coz I first saw it on a website selling Japanese inspired wear and lolita clothing. First pic is from the website. Second pic is the skirt I bought.

     

As you can see, the skirt only goes well with a black top. So THAT’S why I can’t wear it for Chinese New Year although it is red.

massu’s seijinshiki

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Wah lau…damn unfair lahz. Just coz last year’s 成人式 had P and Kame then they made such a big affair of it. This year nothing lorz. Poor Massu… 🙁 So there I was waiting for the news without knowing that it already happened. Until I flipped through Kindai…

*squeals*

No that isn’t the pic I saw in Kindai but yea… I wanted to squeal and jump around the minute I saw the pic. Couldn’t. I was alone in Kino. 5 guys looking so 帅 in suits. Massu in traditional clothing (don’t know what it’s called). :love: *faint faint faint* Anyway, the traditional clothing gave it away. 成人式。

As usual, 元気 boy is so…元気。:heart: Please ignore P. Haha…


 

And the funny part came…




I think Shige is the kind who would just laugh out loud first and not help if someone fell down. Shige, how dare you laugh at Massu. :glare: Hahaha…

floating around

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I think I’m leading a very aimless life. I have lost the patience to read blog entries, emails etc. I’m not very updated on the going-ons and news of my friends until someone comes to tell me. I’ve been shrinking away from MSN – half the time I’m in “appear offline” mode. Anyway a random thought, why don’t they just name it “invisible” mode? I haven’t for goodness sake cleared the stuff in my computer.

The only aim I have everyday is to make sure I process/issue at least 20 insurance proposals a day.

What a sad life I have.

be my love?

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Sis mentioned Valentine’s Day. Of course it was to talk about herself and how she has no date this year. AND, as usual, she shifted the topic to me and how my status has been single for coming to 22 years.

Sis: You leh, you leh? Go ask xxx to be your date.
Me: No. xxx probably thinks I’m a sarcastic bitch.

Which I think is kinda true…I think. Oh well, I survived 21 years without a date so I don’t think I’ll die now just coz I don’t have one this year. Don’t ever ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend. Same answer: You think one will fall from the sky for me?