i felt selfish today

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“If I was ever mean to anybody, that was my evil shadow…”

I felt like being selfish and わがまま today. I was tired after work. Went down to TP to get my recommendation letter from Mr Lai. Called Sis to ask about dinner plans. She told me to call Dad instead but did mention that we were all going out to eat together with grandparents. Called Dad but he was in the bath. Decided to proceed to Tampines Central anyway. Called Dad again when I reached the interchange. He didn’t pick up the phone. Called Sis, she insisted that I call Dad. WTH. You’re all at home, why can’t you go ask Dad? Dad called later to say that we weren’t going out aferall. That was it. I was so pissed off that I decided to be selfish and settle my own dinner myself.

Moral of the story: Do not irritate a tired Elisia.

I’m too tired to bother about anything these days. I give half-past six replies to personal emails. I seem to irritate the hell out of others with my can’t-be-botheredness. I am mean to innocent people. 神様 HELP! My evil shadow is taking over me!

Anyway, I finished watching the drama version of タイヨのうた。It’s a little different from the movie version. I couldn’t help but think what would I do if I was told I would die at the age of 20 (ignoring the fact that I’m already past that age). I don’t think I’ll be that brave to accept that fact. 夢と生命どっちの? やっぱり生命でしょう? I don’t think I’ll have the courage to choose 夢。*sigh* I’m a coward.

I didn’t go shopping in the end. I was happily doing the tedious job of renaming all my mp3s in my mp3 player just so it looks more cool when the song title appears in Chinese/Japanese/Korean characters on the display. Ok, so little things like these delight me. I am fully aware that Chinese New Year is just round the corner and I don’t have any new clothes to wear, except for that new black top I bought which is going to be totally useless for Chinese New Year. Haha…

bits of the s.h.e concert

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I can’t believe I actually only blogged twice in January. That’s so sad…

I can’t really remember what happened after 22 January. I bet it’s just go to work and then go home. Nothing really wonderful.

I went to S.H.E’s concert though. I guess I’ve gotten used to someone going along with me that I felt kinda lonely when I had to go alone this time. It’s just not the same anymore. I want to be screaming and cheering but feel kinda embarassed to do so. I’m not a 16 year old teen anymore. But anyway, I was happily singing to all the songs though I couldn’t even hear my own voice.

Was looking forward to Tank being the guest star but it was Fahrenheit and Stefanie Sun instead. Ok, fine. Not that I’m into Fahrenheit. Haha, I was just trying to see if they were 帅 in person or not. :rofl: I :heart: the song they sang with Hebe.

I’m sort of hurrying this coz I wanna go out shopping. *lol*

for so long…so long

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I’m not sure if I should go on a hiatus. I don’t get much computer time anymore. When I get to use the computer, I’ve got other things to do…blogging becomes last priority and I never get to it in the end. When I want to blog, I don’t have access to my computer.

I’m still trying to figure out my own emotions. It was a momentary release when my grandparents went back to Malaysia for 6 days or so. No, it was a momentary release for 3 of us (Mum, Sis and I). I felt I could breathe again. I didn’t have to feel guilty for once and I could go around the house doing the things I wanted to. I didn’t have to feel like I was keeping my temper in check all the time. Although I hate that I have to be like that, I can’t help it. All the disappointment just sums up. I don’t feel like talking to my own grandparents. How fuckin’ sad is that?

At work, I just go about doing my work and stop thinking about my own emotions. I guess it’s to numb out what I feel. Anyway, at work there’s always other things to worry about. Like whether I’m doing things right and that I should keep mistakes at a minimum.

Oh by the way, I’m still in NTUC Income. I was going to quit but they offered an admin position. So I’m in the Motor Processing team now. Basically, I just key in data for Motor insurance proposals and issue Motor insurance policies. Of course, data entry is always a boring job coz it’s routine but I think I much prefer that to being a call agent. At least I don’t feel like murdering anyone anymore.

I’m on an AAA high again. I just asked Ling to help me get their 2nd and 3rd concert dvds at Narita airport if she manages to find them. Thank God she’s only transiting or else I would have asked her to get me a lot more stuff and she’ll hate me for that. Heehee~~~ I got their 2nd album with dvd from Mariyanto’s friend. Happy~~~

I’ll be broke this month. I spent $200+ on NewS. So happy that they are back. I still remember listening to “Dreams” and getting a little emotional. Ordered stuff from this year’s spring con (I won’t get to go anyway…) + their new single (both normal and limited editions) + 2007 calendar. Kinda pissed off that I ordered Jrs calendar coz I thought NewS wasn’t going to have their own calendar. Guess I’ll sell it off later if I don’t want it. I kinda have this small nagging feeling that Kusano and Uchi are not coming back and that NewS will remain as a 6-man group. Hope I’m wrong… Anyway, thanks to Celestine for helping me get Massu’s uchiwa from Countdown concert. 🙂

Magazines will be coming in this Friday. Mise was closed yesterday…so no Miso Soup till next weekend. So much for getting high in HMV when I saw Miso Soup on the shelf. 

NewS released a new pv for サヤエンドウ! Ain’t that great though coz it’s mostly scenes from last year’s spring con. And sorry Massu, Shige looked the most handsome in spring con while singing サヤエンドウ. But Massu as usual, you made me laugh.

I finished watching “궁“. *victory sign* Very enjoyable korean drama. *dreamy look* Conquering “タイヨのうた” next. 沢尻 エリカ looks very different in タイヨのうた. Way more grown up than in １リットルの涙.

Was kinda happy when I saw NANA anime episodes uploaded in clubbox. But alas, my happiness was shortlived. It refused to download. Damn. Cathay should really bring in the NANA movie. What are you guys waiting for? It was already featured in the Singapore news. BRING IT IN!!! Sidenote, Ling also thinks that 市川由衣 doesn’t suit the role of 小松奈々 in NANA2.

Lastly, merry christmas, happy birthday, happy new year, happy whatever…all the occasions I missed wishing here. I missed blogging about Wawa’s, Chloe’s, Yui’s, PK’s, CJ’s, Sis’s birthdays. I missed blogging on XW and Paul’s wedding. Congratulations to both of you. I missed blogging on 7ners gathering at Albert Court Hotel. Things which I don’t feel like blogging anymore. No reason why. Once the feeling is gone, it’s gone.

heart pain

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“Heart pain lahz~~~”

Johnnys-net is making me feel like stabbing myself. NewS is having spring con and I can’t goooooooooooooooooooo~~~ Not now or even the near future. Unless they have summer con which I doubt.

Who ask me to click on the link lahz~~~ 😥

disappointments in life

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Disappointment 1
我很不甘愿…

I put in more effort this time but…sigh. I got a much higher score for the Math portion. But the Verbal and Writing sections are worse.

Last night, Dad showed me my cousin’s grades. I know he didn’t mean to remind me of my way lousier grades but it did hurt me. *tries to do the Mr-D-confidence chant*

At that moment, Mdm Pey’s words rang in my ears. “如果你不满意你的成绩，你可以重考。” It has been 5 years since but the memory is fresh. I remember crying over my C5 O’level chinese grade. Although I didn’t work that hard but with my constant B3 chinese grade at tests both in school and tuition, I was sure that even if I didn’t get a B3 grade, I would get B4. It was a rude shock to see that C5 staring back at me. I didn’t retake the exam in the end as my A Maths was in a more urgent state of saving.

Facing my SAT results was like seeing history repeat itself. Except, I don’t think I’m going to retake it. Twice is enough.

Disappointment 2
To find out that someone may not be as nice as he/she seems is a disappointment. To find out that that someone is your own relative is hurting.

That person is now living in my home. I don’t know how to face her. The feeling is numb. I know that everyone has that bit of selfishness in them to secure their place in this world. But using that bit of selfishness on your own family is kinda hurting.

I wish I didn’t have to look at you this way but sometimes your demands are too much and out of this world. It pains me to see my mummy being bullied. I hate to see daddy being torn between letting you have your way and agreeing to mummy in the first place.

Sad to say, the person is my grandma.

Disappointment 3
二姑 is not well – emotionally and physically. She hasn’t been since Uncle Ling passed away. Her brothers and sister are trying to get medical help for her. Anger and disappointment in each other.

Me being the “email archive”, I was disappointed to read that my uncle expects my cousin to be responsible for everything from now on. Sure, she has to take care of her mum now and she has to grow up a little faster than others but has it ever occurred to you that she is still young and has her own problems to face? It’s not about “she has to this and she has to that”. It’s about talking to her and understanding what she is facing as well. Let her enjoy her time as a youth.

I remember telling sensei (Kelvin) that time never healed wounds, it only gave us experience. However, I pray that God will ease the emotional pain.

Disappointment 4
I’m disappointed in a friend’s actions.

i love xmas

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“Miso sooouuupu I feel lovinnnnn’~~~”

My first presents (not counting the bag from Sis) are from my office colleagues. Today, I come to work and find 3 more presents on my table. The christmas bauble (I suspect there are chocolates in it) from Roseleen is KEEEWWWTT!

*twirls around*

I know there’s a lack in updates. I’m often too tired and lazy to upload pics and all. I promise I will try to get that long awaited post up soon. I need to get the new blog layout up before christmas. I’m so happy just thinking about it. *beams*

I :heart: x’mas!

work, school, my life

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Few things to address…

Home
realistic-soul.net is 2! I don’t remember the exact date I bought this domain but since my site went down for awhile coz it was time to pay up then I knew. I downgraded my webspace plan. Over-ambitious me bought quite a huge amount of webspace only to let it go to waste for over one year. I don’t think I’ll ever get round to fixing all my photos for uploading so yea, the space will only be used for my blog, tcg post and fanlisting site. Not forgetting my 2 hostees. 🙂

School
I’m praying hard that I’ll get a better score for SAT. It went ok. Maybe coz I’ve experienced it before, this time round I was more concious of the time constraint. I managed to finish each section on time. Didn’t stumble over any Math question which is like a miracle.

I wouldn’t say I was totally serious about studying, laziness still got the better of me. My preparation was just all the exercises in the super thick preparation book and 3 full papers. Anyone could say that that wasn’t enough studying.

Kinda did the whole comparison thing when I found out that Shaz and my cousin would be taking it at the same time. I started to feel that I couldn’t match up to others. That I would be the lousiest in terms of grades. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t help it. 😥

Other than the SAT, I need to pick up my referral letter from Mr D and to actually get cracking on those essays. Kinda rush I know but if I don’t start, I never will.

Work
Although I don’t really like what I’m doing now, it’s not like I hate it to the point I’m going to breakdown any moment. For the sake of the pay, which is quite good for a temporary job, I wanted to stick it out for the 6 months. Quitting now would mean that I’ll have to go through the hassle of looking for a job and in that time, I would have lost some income. Besides, this job is at prime location, within walking distance from home. I can wake up at 7am and still not be late.

Alas, it’s not to be. I just went through appraisal. Firstly, they think I’m doing fine. Phew! Then, they dropped the bomb. There are too many inbound call agents. After the peak period, each team would be rotated to do outbound calls aka telemarketing. Frankly speaking, telemarketing is not my cup of tea. Not that I’m writing off the job without even trying but I know that it’s just not the job for me. Even as an inbound call agent, there are times where I struggle to be firm when it comes to requests by customers. I can empathise with some of them and want to accede to their requests but I know I can’t coz I’m not in that position to do so.

I refer to the comment that Pwen made a few entries ago on how to be firm yet able to empathise. She said I could try repeating the fact that it’s the company policy. But if you were to put yourself in the customer’s shoes, there are times where this simply wouldn’t work. I end up trying to put myself in both positions – as the call agent and as the customer and end up feeling more miserable than ever. I don’t think I can block out these thoughts and just be thick-skinned and more persuasive, something which telemarketeers should be.

The only other way would be to request for a change in job within the company. A change to something more of data entry/admin nature. But DUH…we all know that data entry is like a no-brainer job for me. No challenge at all since I know I can handle it. The last time I worked in a data entry job, everyday was just keying in data into those same fields that I practically became a robot. I could type at super speed without even reading those fields coz I could remember the order. There was even once or twice that I fell asleep at the keyboard and if not for the loud beep from the computer that I’m holding on to a key for too long, I would have just slept on.

Anyway, there are very few data entry positions in this branch. Even as we speak, there’s an application waiting for a data entry/admin opening that has been there for some time already. Might have a higher chance in HQ but that would mean I’ll have to spend on transport and wake up much earlier. No more free ride to work since Mum has retired from her job.

No hard feelings if I want to quit though. Although it is said that it is a 6 month contract, there are no conditions that bind me to the company. We can still part amicably even before the term is up. But…but…but…I NEED THE MONEY!!! I’m putting aside $300 each month I get my pay for my Japan trip next year. If I give up the job, there’s no guarantee I’ll get another job of equal pay or higher than that of now. Worse, what if there’s nothing available for some time.

Entertainment
Went to the concert sponsored by ABC Stout yesterday. A concert with Chen Sheng, Pin Guan and Mayday. Went with Sis, Jiemin and Angeline. Enjoyed myself though the concert ended quite late thus I had to take urgent leave today.

I wanted to post this earlier but didn’t have the time to and my site was down for a day or so. Per gave me the link for DBSK’s clips on Youtube. Xiah is just too cute! :rofl:

awaiting my doom

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Oh gawd. This is mental stress. The last time I took it, 3 friends were taking it too. This time, a cousin and a friend are taking it too. I know I’m not supposed to compare myself but I can’t help it. I keep feeling I’m way inferior. Which is probably true coz my brain seems to want to switch off after 3 practice papers. 3 practice papers – not enough right? Yea, I ought to be slapped coz I’m too lazy.

Message to my eyes: PLEASE READ FASTER!
Message to my brain: PLEASE PROCESS THE INFORMATION FASTER!
Brain to me: HELP!!!
Me: … *static*

in those lonely minutes

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Since yesterday, my neighbour at work, Roseleen, decided to break the silence in the morning by listening to music. Her neighbour is still updating her blog and reading blogs to entertain herself in those lonely minutes where MSN is not available.

It’s not like MSN is not available. As I type, the Windows Messenger icon is staring back at me. Now, it only takes some guts to click on that but I wouldn’t want the IT assistant and superiors breathing down my neck in any case. So there.

Heh. I wonder how I managed to describe anytime during work as lonely. Anyone would know that a call centre is lively and you can never stop talking. Haha.

going high-tech

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It came as a laugh for me. Never imagined NTUC Income to get all high-tech. Oh well, they have caught on on the youtube craze. You can almost find anything and everything on youtube these days. Wonder whose brilliant idea was it.

CEO’s interview on how to maximise investment returns for your CPF savings.
*It looks kinda ermz…unnatural…so scripted. Like I can be soooo darn convincing you know.*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3-XN58XsGk

Corporate commercial. NTUC Income Insurance Cooperative…Your Partner for a Better Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7iYhGIXv1g

Hahaha…oopz. =X