to my deary sister

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To my deary sister:

お誕生日おめでとう!

Although things haven’t exactly been smooth sailing for you, I still pray that you will find what you are looking for. Still think you should look for someone better, someone who will understand you and actually be willing to look after you. You know you are better than that. You may have some really aho moments, but I still look up to you coz you are smart. I believe you can reach your goals if you set your heart to it.

No matter what happens, we still love you. I :heart: you! Miss you too~~~

mummy dearest

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“听妈妈的话，别让她受伤” – 周杰伦 ‘听妈妈的话’

I :heart: Mummy
Happy Mother’s Day! 13 May and I’m still acting like a brat. Just shoot me.

But of course, I love my mummy!!! ママ大好き!!! For having to put up with this わがまま娘, ママは最高!!! It’s useless to say sorry for this and that coz I’m going to keep doing it. Your patience with me is endless. 本当ありがとう。

Steamboat
I think that 天天火锅… place in Bugis is overrated. After watching the commercial repeat in the night, I was all set to try the place.

Last Saturday, Grace, Sis and I had dinner there. Just looking at the variety of food items on the lighted board outside the place made me happy. Got seated, chose the soup we wanted then went over to pick our food items… Ermz, where are the button mushrooms? There was a huge variety of ermz…balls – fishballs, sotong balls, prawn balls, meatballs, mushroom balls, vegetable balls but no button mushrooms. How can~~~~~~~

Mind you, having a meal there doesn’t come with a cheap price tag. I would have expected a better variety of food rather than just balls. Too bad, the steamboat place at TM is gone. Although the place wasn’t buffet style and probably cost more, the variety of food was good.

Meow Meow
There’s a temporary resident in Per’s house. A black cat named Boover, belonging to a friend. The good thing is you can touch Boover without having to fear of your hand bitten or scratched. Doesn’t really matter to me since I am quite afraid of cats. I can be in the same room with a cat but please don’t come near me. I tend to be a little more jumpy too.

Talking about cats, Sis and I name the cats around our neighbourhood.
Yoda – old cat with a limp and funny ears. Disappeared.
Calico – a very pretty calico cat but pity she’s a ‘fraidy cat. Disappeared.
Small Brown – young cat who has been coughing up hairballs lately.
Mean Face – well, he just has a mean face.
Ellie – looks like Mean Face but has a nice long tail. Sis came up with this stupid name which is shortform for ‘Elephant’. Just coz the cat is grey-ish. -_-|||
Oreo – black and white cat. Missing for a few days now.
Mikan – orange cat who loiters around the other end of the block.
Ham – funny little brown thing with frizzy fur and no tail.

Music
I got S.H.E’s latest album “Play”. Normally I would wait till later so in case the singer/s come for an autograph session and the album comes with the session coupon then. But I couldn’t wait this time. I wanted to get it so I can listen to it on my Japan trip. Familiarise with the tunes.

Luckily I rip the music out to fit into my mp3 player. Else, the cd would have been played until 烂。Same goes for 飞轮海’s cd.

I must say that there’s something different about this new album. More rapping and other music influences. I’m currently into the title track “中国话”. Haha, aiming to master the tongue twisters in the song. Wish me good luck with that.

Shock
H!P girl, Tsuji-chan is pregnant and getting married. Of course, that means she’ll have to leave H!P. In other words, kicked out.

In Japan, getting married at 19 isn’t something you should be shocked about since it’s common. But yea, never expected her to decide on something like that since she has still got a long way to go in showbiz. After Kago’s bad publicity, I thought Tsuji-chan would have been “more sensible”. Besides, she was named to form a new unit just recently.

Then again, these girls enter showbiz at a young age not really knowing what they want in life. The life in showbiz can be really cruel. You don’t have the time to do the things you want. Even if you get the time, you aren’t allowed to date and form relationships. You have to be really really careful all the time coz the public has their eye on you. Just say byebye to a “normal” life. It’s pretty interesting why then people still try so hard to enter showbiz.

Anyway, congrats to Tsuji-chan and thank God she decided to keep the baby.

Ouch
I was prepared, I had plasters in my bag. However, even with 3 plasters pasted on my feet, the damage was done. I have 4 blisters, the one on my left heel the most painful. Pretty new shoes = feet torture.

Mum says “Ai swee mai mia” (meaning “Wanna look good but don’t want your life”).

bye bye, grandma

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It was too cruel to see the flames engulf her. It was even more weird to see her body being reduced to just a pile of ashes. Yet a part of me knew that her soul had been released and she would be going to a good place.

At the last moments of her funeral, the only words that were imprinted in my mind were: ‘人总是在失去了才懂得珍惜。’

almost there

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There are times when I almost want to burst, frustrated at my inability to reach my computer…

Sis
Thanks for the prayers. Sis has been discharged since last Saturday. I wouldn’t say that the problems have been solved but at least now that she has gotten a bit of help from professionals, I think she is also trying to sort out how she feels. It’s back to the rather cramped house (since my grandparents came to stay) but I guess everyone’s trying not to bother each other and step on each other’s toes.

School
I don’t care if people are going to say I’m desperate. As long as I know I tried, even if the ending is not what I want, at least I’m comforted.

I went to an American School fair. DePaul had a booth there. I talked to the school advisor. I know I sounded kinda strange coz I really didn’t know how to approach the topic. How embarassing can it get to “bother” people when I have already been rejected. But Mr Durbin was nice, he said he would check out with the admissions people to see what was the actual reason behind the rejection. He did offer a possibility that my poly grades are not considered academic and thus the only grades that were looked at was my O’level results (which sucked big time).

I was kinda disappointed to hear that reason. If it was 5-10 years ago, I would have accepted that reason. Poly was once deemed as the path for all those who got “lousier” grades and couldn’t make it to JC. But now, it seems that people like me (people who can’t even smell the air of JC) are fighting to get into poly with O’level 7-pointers. Which means that poly’s standards have been raised by a lot. Could almost say it’s of equal standing to JC.

So, the question is…do we poly graduates really have a future? What lies in store for us outside of the country if our grades are not going to be considered?

Work
My lunchtime buddy, Selina has left. 😥 I will always remember her love for the fried fish at the 菜饭 stall at the interchange. So much that she said she would burn their stall down if she didn’t get to eat it. Hahaha…oopz. Wishing her all the best in her studies. 🙂

Shimei, the new temp staff left after 3 days citing family reasons. Ok, that leaves me as the only temp staff left in Motor Processing. Which also means I have to do everything. Processing/issuing motor policies (DUH!), calling up other insurance companies to check on customers’ NCD (a tiring thing to do), franking and posting the mail, bringing down the motor proposals for scanning and passing the foreign maid payments for processing, facing the (nonsense) servicing staff downstairs.

Had quite a bad experience for the last. My colleague says that’s the “spirit” of most of the Income staff. Let me explain my position first. I am, well, just…THE TEMP STAFF, which means I am not in the position to argue with anyone lest I wanna get kicked out. Very dangerous position to be in. To put it nicely, the temp staff assists the full-timers with their work. To put it horribly, the temp staff does the sai gang.

Now that I’m done with explaining my position, I shall move on to that “spirit”. When a problem arises, everyone likes to 耍太极。Whoa, you should see how everyone becomes 太极 experts and the problem goes unsolved for a week or more. Hello, shouldn’t we be putting our heads together to solve it and then settle our differences later? And when a solution presents itself (whether temporary or not), shouldn’t we just take it first?

Now to put the 2 together… Being the temp staff, I’m usually the middleman for most things. You could say that it’s partly due to my unfamiliarity to most issues. But, there are times when I can see the solution so clearly that it frustrates me to see no one trying to well, MOVE! Oh wait, I can’t do anything coz I’m just the lowly *drumroll* temp staff.

Ktv
Met some poly mates last Saturday. Had dinner then moved on to KBox at Cine. Although KBox isn’t the choice place for Japanese songs (like I can’t find OLIVIA’s “A Little Pain” in KBox can I?), I know I can still find something Japanese to sing. Was kinda surprised to find 伊藤由奈’s “Endless Story” though. The last time we went to KBox, Per, Sis and I resorted to choosing the chinese version and Myojo Young Song lyrics. I would have done that for SweetS’ “虹色の永遠” but I didn’t have the lyrics on hand that day. And I DO NOT rely on romanji anymore.

Just coz I sing Japanese songs or utter a few Japanese phrases doesn’t make me pro. I only sing slower songs coz then I can read. Even if I sing slightly faster songs, it’s coz I am already familiar with the tune and most of the lyrics. More like memorisation work.

Heehee…going CS-ing on my birthday. Woohoo!

Elisia’s 必唱 Japanese song list:

  1. NewS – NEWSニッポン (super high song…1 2 3 4 5 6 7 it’s BIG NEWS!!!)
  2. NewS – 希望~Yell~ (another high song…can sing 90% of the song)
  3. NewS – チェリッシュ (it’s not really 必唱 since I can only sing the chorus part but we can do the hand actions…haha)
  4. NewS – ずっと (don’t care if it’s a bit low…Massu sang it and anyway, it’s a nice song)
  5. OLIVIA inspi’ REIRA (TRAPNEST) – A Little Pain (can sing 95% of the song)
  6. REIRA starring Yuna Ito – Endless Story
  7. YUI for 雨音 薫 – Good-bye Days
  8. 薫 雨音 (Sawajiri Erika) – タイヨウのうた
  9. Berryz工房 – ジリリ キテル
  10. モーニング娘。- ふるさと (will choose to sing it only if not in Cash)
  11. 宇多田ヒカル – First Love (will choose to sing it only if not in Cash)

Attempting/might attempt to make these songs 必唱:

  1. モーニング娘。さくら組 – さくら満開 (it’s slow enough…haha)
  2. SweetS – Color Of Tears
  3. SweetS – 虹色の永遠 (this is an exception coz the machine in Cash doesn’t have this song…have to use the chinese version)
  4. 大塚 愛 – 金魚花火
  5. 浜崎あゆみ – Who… (going to check out if the machine in Cash has it…love this song a lot)

Birthday
You never really notice that years have passed until you notice the poster on your wall is dated year 2003. Yea…the “A Ballads” poster on my room wall…

Can’t believe it’s my birthday again. I must have been working too hard to notice. Haha… I only noticed when Mum gave me the envelope to make a Lent time donation. I was like “I thought you gave us already…” then trailed off when I realised it was last year’s envelope I was referring to. Anyway, Lent time means it’s close to Easter which means it’s near my birthday.

Anyway, I haven’t really thought of what I wanted. More tamis I guess. Hahaha… I want a strawberry cake this year. Last year was black forest. I have compiled my wish list under ‘links’.

where do we go from now?

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“Where do we go from now?”

Today will be the 4th day Sis is in hospital. I don’t know what or how to feel. But that’s how I am. Sis always said I am kinda unfeeling. I wonder if it’s true. I neither cry nor brood over such matters, even it’s bad news like someone has passed on. It’s like I have to cry but I can’t. My brain just goes “oh.” and then nothing more. To me, life has to go on whether we like it or not.

I thought about it. I thought about how Sis said she’s on the verge of giving up. For once, I seriously thought about what if Sis really went away. A sudden fear crept up. What would I do? No, I don’t want Sis to go. As much as we quarrel over small little things, I will always look up to her and love her.

How do you give someone hope when she feels life is meaningless? What are we actually living for?

I am ok. Perhaps this is the strength that God has given me. That I know how to pick myself up and move on. Please don’t ask me if I’m ok or whether I want to talk about it. Explaining is tiring. I will talk when I want to. I know I have quite a few silent readers including relatives. Please don’t start asking my parents about it or insist on visiting Sis. Leave her to heal by herself.

Perhaps the only thing you can do now is to pray for her.

i believe in karma

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“In the next moment, I might fall down or get knocked down by a car. That’s coz I believe in karma.”

As I’ve told Per before, I feel like I’m a bitch these days. I don’t know if what I say is really what I feel anymore or I’m just a stupid bitch being mean to others.

Things are not getting any better at home. I know what seems to be my indifference towards the family (or rather just my grandparents) is maybe seen as being disrespectful, but believe me, it is to preserve my own sanity at times. I’m afraid of myself, that I will get angry and say hurtful things. Things that deep down I don’t really mean to say. Thus, I choose to keep silent.

Just a few days ago, after Sis admitted some things, Sis and I were watching tv when my grandma came up and said “在钰，你是不是讨厌 mama 和 yeye?” What kind of a question is that? How do I answer it? No, I don’t hate you but I hate your selfish little acts? I hate questions like these coz you know it too well that we are family. No matter what happens, deep down we know we still care for each other.

I feel there’s a strain on everyone. Sis is struggling with her depression to the point that the doctor is giving her sleeping pills. It is scary to see what these pills do to her each night. She can’t even stand when the pills start to work on her. I know how we wish that we can just fall into this blanket of darkness where it consumes your sadness, fears and emotions till you feel nothing. But to see these little pills seem to take over her body and then erase the memory of whatever was said, it is too frightening.

Mum goes about trying to support Sis in every way she can but I know it’s tiring. I know it from the way she snaps at little things I do. I know it coz I sometimes feel like giving up and just yell at Sis but I know I can’t. Mum knows she can’t.

Dad tries to be the mediator but I wonder how long he can hold up. I feel it isn’t working. I feel like it’s coming to what I predicted. It’s either them (grandparents) or us.

I, on the other hand, have discovered something. The term “workaholic”. But now I understand why some people turn into one. Coz it takes your mind off things. You can keep going on and on like a robot and not feel a thing. No emotions, just numb. Don’t get alarmed though, I’ve not turned into one.

I have so many questions but I know there are no answers. There are no answers coz it just is.

I need to sort out my emotions.

And now, I need to escape reality…just for awhile.

i felt selfish today

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“If I was ever mean to anybody, that was my evil shadow…”

I felt like being selfish and わがまま today. I was tired after work. Went down to TP to get my recommendation letter from Mr Lai. Called Sis to ask about dinner plans. She told me to call Dad instead but did mention that we were all going out to eat together with grandparents. Called Dad but he was in the bath. Decided to proceed to Tampines Central anyway. Called Dad again when I reached the interchange. He didn’t pick up the phone. Called Sis, she insisted that I call Dad. WTH. You’re all at home, why can’t you go ask Dad? Dad called later to say that we weren’t going out aferall. That was it. I was so pissed off that I decided to be selfish and settle my own dinner myself.

Moral of the story: Do not irritate a tired Elisia.

I’m too tired to bother about anything these days. I give half-past six replies to personal emails. I seem to irritate the hell out of others with my can’t-be-botheredness. I am mean to innocent people. 神様 HELP! My evil shadow is taking over me!

Anyway, I finished watching the drama version of タイヨのうた。It’s a little different from the movie version. I couldn’t help but think what would I do if I was told I would die at the age of 20 (ignoring the fact that I’m already past that age). I don’t think I’ll be that brave to accept that fact. 夢と生命どっちの? やっぱり生命でしょう? I don’t think I’ll have the courage to choose 夢。*sigh* I’m a coward.

I didn’t go shopping in the end. I was happily doing the tedious job of renaming all my mp3s in my mp3 player just so it looks more cool when the song title appears in Chinese/Japanese/Korean characters on the display. Ok, so little things like these delight me. I am fully aware that Chinese New Year is just round the corner and I don’t have any new clothes to wear, except for that new black top I bought which is going to be totally useless for Chinese New Year. Haha…